Fellas, for the love of all that is good, ditch the board shorts! Please? They look ridiculous. I mean, it looks like you’re wearing a parachute around your waist. Picture this, you’re getting some sexy-time with your lady. The lights are turned down or off, maybe you have a few candles lit. Some nice sexy-time music playing in the background. You go to take your pants off and BAM! Your lady is blinded by your color deficient legs and ghostly white bum cheeks. All she can see is this beaming phosphorescence that is your board shorts tan and she’s no longer in the mood.
Come on man, be honest. You know you’ve looked in the mirror after a nice long summer and marveled at the contrast in color on your legs. I mean they are straight up two very different colors. You know it looks bad but that’s just how it is, right? Hey guy pulling up your board shorts as far as you can to get some color on your legs, I see you. I mean maybe you can get some shorter shorts so maybe your tan can extend to a few inches above your knee. Yawn.
I kid (kinda). I’m not about shaming and some guys look great in board shorts. Usually taller guys, but I digress. I was just trying to make a point, that in case I’m right, that you have noticed that board short tan. And not liked what you saw or not liked the load that board shorts are, then you have options.
Look, our European brethren know what’s up when it comes to swimwear. They wear briefs (Speedos in American lingo even though Speedos is a brand) mostly and some even dare to bare more. Granted, they still get a tanline but it is a marked improvement from the train wreck that is a board short tanline. The entire leg being nice and bronzed like the rest of you is far more aesthetically pleasing. Then those tanned legs getting chopped in half by those super dope surf brand parachutes you wore all summer.
Allow me to drop some knowledge unto you about some options that you have for this summer’s swim attire. You can choose between a variety of different cuts: trunks, briefs, bikinis and thongs. Trunks have the most coverage of these options. They’re basically short shorts. The next option and slightly more revealing are the briefs. These are not like your childhood tighty-whities. There are some really great designs out there and some super sexy cuts. Most of them have full cheek coverage and a three-plus inch waistband. One more level of freedom and we’re at the bikini cut. The waistbands tend to be pretty skinny, one inch or less and the back coverage may be slightly less as well. Sometimes referred to as a three-quarter back or european cut. For the least amount of coverage and the most amount of awesomeness we have the thong cut. I believe the back coverage needs no introduction but let me address the pouch and comfort level. Men’s swimwear, that aren’t parachutes, are fitted. They are made for men with man parts. Like varying amounts of coverage in the rear, pouches vary as well. Most are fitted so that the gents fit into a comfortable pouch and are fully supported and covered. Some pouches even provide a bit of lift or bulge. Now let me blow your mind, thongs are not uncomfortable! They do not feel like a perma-wedgie. The feeling of the backstrap simply goes away after a while. All that’s left are the feelings of freedom and confidence.
I realize it’s hard to buck societal norms. Especially if you’re young and you are still subject to peer pressure. Let me just speak from personal experience here: I wore a bikini brief cut suit to the beach the other day and noticed that I was the only guy on the beach not in shorts. It was an insane realization. To be honest I didn’t mind that much. My wife hates board shorts and the unfortunate tan that comes with them and frankly, I don’t like the shorts tan either. My desire to look sexy to my wife and to have a nice tan was greater than any fear of what people might think of me.
Speaking of what people might think… what might people think? That I’m from Europe? That I’m a weirdo? That I shouldn’t be wearing those bikini briefs because I don’t have a six-pack? That I’m gay?
Who. Cares. You know what they say about people and their opinions.
If people thought I was from Europe. Cool. Fine. Whatever. If they thought I was a weirdo… well, I am so they’re right. We’re all a little weird and if you’re zero percent weird… that’s just weird man. I shouldn’t be wearing bikini briefs because I don’t have a six-pack… First of all, most of us don’t have six-packs. So the majority of us should still be allowed to feel sexy and good in our bodies. Second of all I’d be more worried about a good gust of wind that those parachutes might catch. And frankly, I don’t give a damn if people think I’m gay because of the swimwear I choose to wear. First, being gay isn’t a bad thing so I don’t find that insulting. Secondly, how ridiculous that a swimsuit is giving you some indication of my sexual identity! Swimwear and sexual identity are about as related as oil and water in reality. Though a good argument can be made for that relationship as it pertains to our culture.
Let’s briefly chat about confidence and body positivity. Confidence is dead sexy as any woman will tell you. More personal reflection for you: I, like probably a lot of you, have body image issues. I have a spare tire around my waist that I liken to a monster truck tire. Some gyno in my chest and my body weight fluctuates like the stock market. But during those periods of time when I’ve really got my diet dialed in and I’ve been killing it in the gym. I make sure I enjoy the fruits of my labor by not hating what I see in the mirror. It’s not perfect but I’ve worked damn hard for what it is. Once I ease up on myself it’s much easier to go out and enjoy wearing some sexy swimwear and a great tan followed up by a wife ready for some action.
Side note: I don’t want to put out the impression that eating healthy and working out are primarily for aesthetic results. Those things promote a healthy lifestyle so you can feel good as well as look good.
Don’t wait until you’re 60 to decide you just don’t give a hootenanny about what people think. Because that seems to be about how long it takes for our give-a-shitters to be completely non-operational. Thus allowing us to do the things we’ve been wanting to do for all those years. Hey, props to the… more mature gentlemen out there rocking it and demonstrating a lesson in confidence. The more of us men that get out there wearing what would really rather be wearing the more normal it will be.