To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress, it’s easy to do, just follow these steps:
One… cut a hole in a box
Two… put your junk in that box
Three… make her open the box
That’s the way you do it. It’s my d**k in a box!
If you live inside a vacuum cleaner then you may have missed the 2006 SNL skit featuring Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg as early 90’s (Color Me Badd-esque) R+B singers who bestow their gift‑wrapped genitals as Christmas presents. There is one moment in the video which gives me the biggest laugh. It’s the moment when Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig, both portraying the unsuspecting female recipients, open their boxes and react with excitement and a hint of naughty desire (apparent when Wiig mouths the ‘oooooohhh’ sound). I suppose I find that part funny because the more juvenile parts of myself think “hey… that might work, right?”
For the readers of this blog, there is a parallel to be drawn. If you wear a pair of fashion-forward underwear then you are, in a sense, putting on a show for others. Your junk is not in a gift‑wrapped box, BUT it might as well be. It is the center of attention and is likely to be pushed up and forward far enough that you could have the winning edge in a photo-finish relay race. Or as my partner says, they are “extra bulgey.”
It’s taken me years to come out of my shell and realize that I enjoy showing off for her (in the right context of course). I think it’s safe to assume that many of this blog’s readers feel the same way I do. We may not look like underwear models, but we’re not half-bad and life is short. Why not give our partners something to ogle.
But what happens if your partner is not as into it as you are? (insert needle-across-record sound here). Truth is that your specific tastes or preferences may not be shared by your partner. In fact, I’d bet money that it’s a minority of couples who enjoy having identical or even closely-aligned preferences. Take me for example. I, being a straight man, am a visual creature. Seeing my girl in lace undies, garters, and stockings is an instant turn-on. It will rev my engines every time. My natural inclination is to return the favor and give her something to look at. But it doesn’t always work. Her libido is governed by a complex formula which seemingly includes the weather, my interest in children, whether I’ve taken the trash out, whether Downton Abbey is on tonight, and Ryan Reynolds.
Just because your partner doesn’t swoon at the sight of your underwear bulge doesn’t mean they don’t find you attractive. Everyone is wired different. It’s just a fact of life. There are still ways you can make this disparity into a win-win in the bedroom. You can’t make someone get turned on by something that naturally doesn’t do it for them. But there are alternate routes to satisfy both partners’ desires.
First and foremost: talk to your partner. Our inner Puritans have a way of making us embarrassed to express our feelings. Or maybe we don’t want to get laughed at. Whatever the reason, a failure to communicate these desires will leave you frustrated and unfulfilled. I cannot overstate the importance of frank and open discussion. If wearing nice underwear is part of your ritual just say that. Even if it does nothing for your partner you can help them recognize that it’s important to you. How you approach this discussion is up to you, but my recommendation is to do it in advance so that you’re not explaining, apologizing, or creating awkward Woody Allen moments during foreplay (Woody Allen = mood killer). Drink if you have to. Just get the words out.
Second: even if your partner is not visually stimulated the way you are there is still an indirect effect on your demeanor which CAN be a turn on. You might recall in a previous thread where I described the ‘Tarzan Effect.’ But if you missed it, here’s the cliff notes version: if you feel like a man you will act like a man. Your partner might not care for seeing you in skimpy man undies. But if wearing them turns you into an unstoppable tank in the bedroom they will DEFINITELY notice. The key ingredient here is your ability to be uninhibited.
Third: bring as much variety to the game as possible. Around the holidays last year I went to the effort of learning a strip-routine. I went out and got the cheesy velcro bow-tie, shirt-cuffs, the whole nine yards. In that context, skimpy man undies were a perfect fit. I made a playlist with the most stereotyped R+B slow jams I could find. It was like we were living out a scene from a Tyler Perry movie. She had no idea any of it was coming, and getting her to laugh made the rest of the night effortless. We still refer to that night as our ‘Christmas in the ATL.’ Moral of the story is avoid repeat performances. Surprise your partner with new scenarios. If you put effort into making it fun they will notice. Heck, they might even bring a stack of $1 bills to shove into your waist band.
Last: be willing to laugh at yourself. Any time you try something new or outside your normal operating zone you are bound to encounter funny or potentially embarrassing moments. If your partner laughs don’t let it shut you down. Steer into the skid. Ham it up. Your willingness to roll with the punches will keep the mood going in the right direction. If you clam up like a frightened kid at a school play, well… ask Woody Allen.
These are just ideas, but the goal here is to create something that both partners will enjoy. Let’s face it… your junk in a box just isn’t gonna cut it.
