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Wear a Swim Thong Like a PRO.

You took the leap and bought yourself a swim thong. Congratulations, you are on the road to not only the best tan, but the best experiences in the sun.Feeling the sun on your cheeks is truly an experience. It’s no wonder women’s thong bikinis are taking off at the moment, and there’s no reason why men can’t experience the fun!

Coming back to down to Reality- Men’s Swim Thongs are taboo. As much as we all wish we lived in a utopian-love-everyone-respect-everyone-world…THIS is not the case.

No matter where you decide to wear your thong publicly(legally* of course), maybe except for nude beaches, SOMEONE is going to feel THREATENED. “HOW DARE HE BREAK THE RULES?!” “THIS ISN’T RIGHT…” “MY CHILDREN WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE.” Amongst other thought’s like “LOOK, Honey, it’s a Gay Man.”

Either way, you get the point. I am a mid 20s, fit, straight guy who has worn swim thongs coast to coast, Mexico, and the list grows. I have received these negative vibes in all these places AT FIRST* and fully expect to continue finding these expectations where ever I decide to go Suns Out Buns Out…Life is all about “managing expectations” and YOU need to have these expectations too.

You are beginning a quest; KNOWINGLY GOING INTO TO BATTLE TO CHALLENGE GENDER NORMS.  Your thong is your armor and your attitude is your sword and it must be sharp! This will not always be socially easy or comfortable but that is why I am here to help.

I have made the mistakes and learned to RIGHT way to go from “Honey that’s a creepy guy in a thong over there” to “Hey I guess that guy isn’t all that bad…and he’s got a cute butt!” The last part may depend, but it’s true! YOU CAN BE ACCEPTED if you know and embrace these expectations/tips-

Ask yourself-Do you look good in a thong? Maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend says so, or a spouse… but more importantly, do YOU think so? I am talking 100%, feel it in your bones “Damn, I look good” attitude. Whether you feel out of shape, hairy or some other insecurity you must address those issues BEFORE you go out into the wild jungle of social judgment. If you don’t have this CONVICTION that you were born to wear this, who else will?

You run the risk of setting yourself up for more ridicule and people ultimately afraid/unsure of you.

Some people are awful…they sense wounded pride or vulnerable people. I can’t explain their issues, but some feel adamant about pointing the figure or making fun of people BECAUSE THEY CAN AND THEY ARE SELF-LOATHING INSIDE. These are the people who will ridicule you first. They smell fear, apprehension, and awkwardness. They are everywhere, unfortunately. KNOW THY ENEMY. Don’t be a gazelle. BE THE LION. OWN your swimsuit and walk and act with confidence. You are here for YOURSELF not for anyone else and you rock IT. It gets pretty awkward for those self-loathers to make fun of a guy and see ZERO response from you.

In fact, what’s really fun to walk directly up to them and start a conversation like a Bro, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE UBER BRO, the ALPHA in the sand or at the pool. THE BRO WITH THE CONFIDENCE TO WEAR A THONG. Most of the time they are stunned and realize you ARE a normal guy, it turns you from an object to a person, who may not be all that different from themselves. Imagine that- even self-loathing people have feelings too. Shower them with kindness they need it more than anyone.

The other people on heightened alert are Parents with little-ones. A guy in a thong is a threat until proven otherwise. You are not to act deviant, reclusive, or creepy. Don’t be that guy. Have friends with you, MAKE new friends!  All eyes are on YOU and YOU must demonstrate you’re a normal dude who just happens to have a thong on. Being social *validates your “normalcy.” Give families space and respect that. Sometimes your quest to flexing your buns in the sun will make families uncomfortable if you give them a reason to doubt your honest respectful self. Be carefree, smile, and be yourself. Most people get behind that, and you should have no issues.

Tips for starting conversations/making friends– This is by far the hardest part, but if you are going solo with your thong on, I highly recommend this as a part of your public thonging experience. It may prevent any “excuse me sir, but we received a complaint…” conversations as well. Here are some good starting points to make new friends-

  • “Could you watch my things? I need to go to the bathroom/get a drink/ETC…by the way, my name is….” By far the easiest thing to initiate a conversation. It’s honest and it serves a purpose NOBODY wants their things stolen. See you ARE a real human being?! 😉
  • “Any recommendations about where to eat…go…ETC…I am NEW here…” I don’t care how long you have lived or been where ever you are but you can learn something new about your area from anyone, and people LOVE to talk about themselves and what THEY like to do…give them that opportunity, you may be shocked what you have in common.
  • Bring a Frisbee/football/game. Invite people to PLAY. The easiest way for people to put their feelings aside and FOCUS on a game rather than your thong. Sooner or later you will be high fiving and have a great time. I have done this numerous times.
  • The Elephant is in the room. Tell them you are aware of the Elephant too! You know you are in a thong, but you are acting as if it’s completely normal, because you look great in it, RIGHT? Sometimes this scrambles people’s brains and you need to just come and be one to say, Yes, you, in fact, are in a thong…It releases the stress of those around you not wanting to…admit that. “Love your bathing suit, I just got mine and love it!” or “Ya just being a trendsetter over here” or “Yup usually I am the only one thonging over here it gets lonely!” Make a joke or bring it up, it relaxes the sometimes awkward situations.

These suggestions are by far not the only way to wear your thong in public. You may do the exact opposite of me and have a splendid time. GREAT! THIS IS GOOD. However, from my experience, these attitudes and expectations set me up for success. You have to be in the mood to battle social norms thonging in public. Put on your game face and ROCK IT.

With these tips and lessons learned for me I have played ultimate Frisbee and volley ball with a group of 10 dudes and girls on the beach. I have had several women say  “LOVE YOUR SUIT!” and continue to fawn over my physic and more importantly my CONFIDENCE to wear a thong. Women love that. I have turned people to pointing and laughing at me to high-fiving-“nice-to-meet-you-man” experiences time and time again with these tips and expectations I gave you.

Now GO FORTH AND DO GOOD THINGS UNB readers. Maybe I’ll see you in the sun one day and we will tag team up our efforts to prove Male Thong Normalcy to the world.

1 Comment responses

  1. Avatar
    March 18, 2018

    I like that you’re rockin the Gregg Homme swim thong. I have the same one in blue. I love how comfortable it is.

    Reply

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